*Wipes the cobwebs and dust off the blog*
wow, the last time I blogged something real was probably a month ago.. -_- cox i just didnt feel like.


been busy i guess, with work, with ministry.. meetings after meetings.. reports after reports.. not that i don't enjoy the meetings, coaching or taking cgs.. but with greater responsibility comes greater piles of reports! hah, jus before i left for Israel was a crazy week when i had to rush abt 15 reports, tuition in the morning, wrk in noon and we had night meetings almost everyday. it's really a superwoman life, maybe that's why it's called SUPERnatural.. but in Him i live and move and have my being. Jesus is my strength!


ministry: things changed ever since i became a leader.. it's not easy, there are times that i feel so tried and i just wanna give up. besides the natural inadequecies and lacks is the loneliness i sometimes feel. losing friendships. and trying to make new ones. and it can be tough sometimes. and just a few weeks before i left for Israel, i was grumbling to You abt how sorry i feel for myself for being placed in jc cluster. complaining and really upset abt the leaders above me.. somehow i didnt understand her need to be so hostile towards me.. and i really miss lionel, coach andy and even jiahao.. leaders who believe in me.. but He arrested me druing the trip.. maybe i'm not used to female leadership. i guess they tend to be more firm.. cox, some male leaders have a soft spot for females. i know lionel has a soft spot for me, coach andy can be really soft-hearted and coach gary would correct and later come back to "sayang".. yea, different leaders have different styles.. but He knows i need someone firm enough to give me a wake up call. all in all, i learn to look at correction with the right spirit.. yea, sometimes, it is painful. but i know He prunes those who bears friut so they can bear much fruit. during those night sharing sessions, i just see their heart to groom me and i must say that i'm very privileged to be placed under such dynamic leaders and i now it'll be a life-changing experience for me.. after all, i am the girl whom jesus loves most and wherever He divinely positions me is best!

work: oya.. i pray tt He'll cox a miracle to happen and move me back to the youth room.. it's so diff to be in the logi department when i'm working for arrow. and the atmosphere there is so different. its so much funner back there.. with coach maddy there we have entertainment here and there! :) i'd rather have a small puny desk in the youth department than to be moved to the supports division.. Lord, pleaseeeee after all, i left less than a month there..

and yea, i pray for my health to be restored to be as perfect as Jesus'. You know that i never had an issue with health.. i've always been healthy by the grace of God. but just tt day, when i went for midnight movie w the leaders, but i missed teh whole thing, cox i spent the whole 1 half hrs in tt suntec toilet throwing up. it's so horrible tt i can still feel the 'ragmrfgbmr feeling when i enter that place today.. it's horrid. i've been throwing up so much this year that it exceeds the times i threw up in my lifetime. it's getting so often tt i don't even dare to tell daddymummy this time, they'll be so worried and tt they'll start scolding me again.. but Daddy, my health is in Your hands.. and i know You'll make it good..

.. ahh.. there are so many snakes arnd.. parents.. finances.. health.. uni admissions.. it sucks when i look at them.. but as i behold the brazen serpent, it shall be well..

on my way home, i was sitting at the playground..
and the songs tt were playing happened to be those i heard back then when i was dumped. i remember how You held me through and hugged me.. assuring me that You still love me even when others don't.. i remember how breaking it was but yet, Your love for me was so strong and intense too. the arms around me that gave me warmth and lifted me up..
then, i remember the times when i walked home alone, thinking i was alone but had You walking me home..when no guy was there to send me home late at night when i was afraid, i knew so sure that You sent me home..
as i recalled those times, i couldn't help but weep.
because i just miss those times so much..
miss just being alone with You..
and just being loved by You..
the times that are most precious aren't those when i encountered You in services in corporate anointing, but those when we were alone, just You and i. times when i cried in Your arms like a baby.. times when i poured my heart to You because it was pained so much i couldn't bear..
when i hear Your voice "fear not, my child. I am with you"

i wept, because it was the same voice i heard today. and it's the same God that is going to see me through today.. in midst of all my trials..

somehow, i forgot that.. forgot You.. when it seemed like You failed. when i let go and let You, he dated another girl.. it seemed like You failed. and i felt very bitter towards You.. i told no one and no one knew, but You just simply waited for me to come home to You.. ever since i found myself thinking of him all day long.. maybe just to spite You? but it became an obsession and sometimes, i feel ashamed for it. and i know for sure tt it's an obsession when small things get to me.. i feel so ao;flnhegvbkaweifh when he toks to me w the word "girl" now.. "yea, i know what u mean" and "yea girl, i know what you mean" sounds different. somehow, i personally felt it carried an affectionate tone like the term: "silly".. but what spoils it all is when i know he doesnt only use it on me.. tt he uses it on other girls too.. when i chanced upon blogs.. ..or izzit cox other guys dont tok to me liddat? probably only Lionel calls me "silly" at times, but then again, it's different la.. o but i know whatever matters to me, matters to You too.. however little they are :D

sometimes, the thoughts of him and the love fantasies are like drugs to me, drawing me away from reality.. i didn't know it's so hard to give it up, until the last biblestudy, when i chose to lay it down.. it was breaking, but then again You assured me with that song.. "May the road rise to meet you on your way. May the sun always shines upon your face. And until the journey brings us back together. May God holds you in the center of His hands." and i know that You'll be here to hold us in Your hands..

sometimes, i reply to his messages, his blog entries not because i didnt know i was opening the door of temptation but simply because i'm afraid. afraid that not replying would make him think i think badly of him again, and tt he'll date another girl because of tt again.. it's so silly i know, but maybe because i was never sure that he's sure to love me even when i fail, even if i really did think badly about him, even if i love him no more..
sometimes, i feel silly myself for loving and giving myself excuses and reasons to continue loving when he was not even sure if he love me, when he dated someone else.. when others ask what i see in him, i can't answer them, i just do.. it's stupid i know. maybe people think i'm dumb or something.. but i can't help it..
but i'm really sick and tired of being foolish.. to 'keep' his love for me.. let it be You God.. not me.. by grace and not by my arm of flesh..
into You hands i commit again..

Let's not say another word, we don't need to question why.
Let us pass through this moment like a candle in the night.
We don't need to wave it back.
This is not the final song.
Even though in the sadness tears may fall.

Take my smile, hold it in your heart forever.
And He will be with you wherever you may go.

How much pain must we taste.
How much sorrow must we know.
Will be only nothing losing.
How to cherish when we go.
How agony is like the wind we can hold it in our hands.
In the light of a new day we will understand.

May the road rise to meet you on your way.
May the sun always shines upon your face.
And until the journey brings us back together.
May God holds you in the center of His hands.

like You said, things may happen, things might change.. but at the end of the day, outward things can come and go, but only God can bind and string hearts together. and i believe it's because it's such a precious task..
:)

above all, i know You are faithful even when i'm faithless. i know that even when the stars refuse to shine, You'll still be faithful.. flood me with thoughts of You dear Lord and give me a heart to know You more -Jeremiah 24:7.. You are faithful to Your promises. and i know You hold my heart's desires close to Your heart..
and yea, You'll see me through just as You have seen me through.. because You're the same yesterday today and forever.. :)

bring me back, and romance me like You did.
i just wanna be alone with You..
where there is Just You and I..